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* WARNING*
If you are easily offended then I would give this page a miss
It is not politically correct and some of the jokes below contain laungauge that might offend the faint
of heart . Not recommended for under 18's
From Billy in Australia
A Scotsman walks into a bar in Austraila . " The drinks are on me " he shouts. "The wifes just given birth to a bouncing
25 pound baby boy. Pandamonium erupts and a woman faints at the thought but the Scotsman explains that 25 pound baby boys are
just the norm in Scotland.
Two weeks later he is back in the bar again . "How's the baby and what weight is he now " asks the barman. "He's a fine
17 pounds " replies the Scotsman.
"But if he was 25 pounds when he was born how is he only 17 pounds now " asks the barman. The Scotsman replies.
" I HAD TO HAVE HIM CIRCUMSISED"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
| How to use a Condom when you are over 50 |
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From Arthur in London
A blonde woman pushes her Ford into a petrol station . She tells the mechanic "It died"
After he works on it for a few minutes , It's idling smoothly.
She says. " What's the story ? "
He Replies " Crap in the carburettor."
She says " And how often do I have to do that ? "
Fron Billy in Clydebank
Three Texas surgeons were arguing as to which had the greatest skill .
The first Began. " Three years ago , I reattached seven fingers on a pianist . He went on to give a
recital to the Queen".
The second replied
" Thats nothing . I attended a man in a car accident . All his legs and arms had been severed from his body. Two
years after I reattached them , he won three gold medals for field events in the olympics."
The third said
" A few years back , I attended to a cowboy . He was high on cocain and Alchohol when he road his horse head- on into
a Santa Fe freight train travelling at 100 miles an hour . all I had to work with was the horses ass and a ten gallon
hat.
LAST YEAR HE BECAME PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
From Arthur in London
A four year old and a seven year old are upstairs in there bedroom . "you know what ", says the seven year old ,"I think
it's time we started swearing."
The four year old nods his approval . "When we go downstairs for breakfast , I'll swear first , Then you swear after
me ,ok?"
The four year old agrees with enthusiasm . The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the seven year old what he wants
for breakfast.
"Oh shit mum I guess I'll have some Coco Pops".
WHACK!! . He flies out the chair, tumbles on the floor , gets up , and runs upstairs crying his eyes out .
She looks at the four year old and asks with a stern voice , "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?"
" I don't know ," he blubers , but you can bet you F**king life it won't be Coco Pops.
| Animal welfare from Big George |
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New Pit team from Ferrari
The entire Ferrari F1 pit crew fired yesterday.
The announcement was followed by Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British governments Work for the Dole Scheme
and hire unemployed youths from Glasgow.
The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how Unemployed youths in Easterhouse were able to
remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing Crew can only do it
in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high - tec gear.
This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari Management, as most races are won and lost in the pits ,
Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.
However Farrari got more than they bargained for as, during the crew's first practice session , not only were the Weegie
pit crew able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle
over to the McLaren team for 4 dozen cans of Special Brew and a gram of coke.
Names golfers were at Kilconquhar and three who will not be named were sitting in the sauna when suddenly there was a
beeping sound.
The first names golfer pressed his arm and the beeping stopped. The other two looked at him questioningly?. "That was
my pager" he said . " I have a microchip under the skin of my arm. "
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The second names golfer lifted his palm to his ear . When he finished talking he explained . " I have a microchip in
my hand."
The third names golfer was feeling decidedly low tec , but not wanting to be outdone decided to do something just
as impressive.
He stepped out of the suana and went to the toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging out his
arse.
When the others raised their eyebrows he said. " would you look at that I'm receiving a fax. "
Another Craig Stirling Classic
A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman got any bread
Barman says no
Duck says got any bread
Barman says no
Duck says got any bread
Barman say no we have no bread
Duck says got any bread
Barman says no we havent got any F****g bread
Duck says got any bread
Barman says No are you deaf? we havent got any F*****g bread , ask me again and I'll
nail you F*****g beak to the F*****g bar you irritating Bast**d bird!.
Duck says Got any nails
Barman says no
Duck says GOT ANY BREAD
A Scotsman an Englishman , a hot blonde and a fat woman get on a train . They go into a tunnel and the lights
go out, and suddenly they hear a loud slap.
When the lights go on the Englishman has a big red slap mark on his face.
The blonde thinks he must have made a move for me and fondled the fat woman by mistake.and she slapped
him.
The fat woman thinks that the Englishman must have made a move for the blonde and got slapped. Good for
her.
The Englishman thinks the Scotsman must have gone for the blonde and she slapped him by mistake.
The Scotsman thinks I can't wait to go into another tunnel so I can slap that English Bastard again..
From Jane in Bristol
A woman walks into Halfords and asks for a 710 cap, the assistant is at a loss , in the end the assistant
hands the woman a piece of paper.
The woman says "its on the top of the engine,it's always been there but I don't know what it does and now
it's gone .
She proceeds to draw a 3inch circle with 710 in the middle.
think about it .
From Arthur London
Count Dracula is walking down Sauchiehall street on a dark night when he feels a thud
on the back of the head.
He looks down and at his feet is a suasage roll. He looks around but there is no one in sight.
He starts walking again and is hit on the head again . He looks down and at his feet is a scotch egg.
He starts walking again and thump he is smacked on the head by a baked potato as he falls to the ground
his heart is pierced by a hand holding ten cocktail sticks.
As he is dying he sees it was a small shapely girl that killed him.
Who are you he cries with his last breath.
Buffet the vampire slayer comes the reply .
From Arthur in London
A little medical observation from Arthur Copeland in London.
Recent Medical research has shown that more money is being spent on breast enlargement and Viagra than on
alzheimer's (?).
It is envisaged that by the year 2023 there will be vast amounts of people walking around with hugh breasts
and enormous erections but with no no idea what to do with them.
The teacher gave her class a assignment . Get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end.
Next day the kids
began to come back and tell their stories.
Ashley said
My father is a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.
One time when we were taking the eggs to market, in a basket ,on the front seat of the pickup. We hit a big bump in the road
and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.
And what's the moral of that story asked the teacher.
Don't
put all you eggs in one basket.
Sara then put up her hand.
My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.
Aunt
Karen was a flight engineer in Desert storm and her plane got hit.She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had
was a bottle of whiskey a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.She killled 70 of them with the machine gun and then ran out of bullets. She
then killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.
Good heavens
said the teacher ,"what kind of moral did your daddy tell you to take from that.
"Stay the Fu*k away from Aunt
Karen when she has been drinking!!".
From Bristo City Jane
A selection of toilet level humour from our collector of dubious stories Craig .
A primary school teacher starts
a new job in glasgow and to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Rangers fan.
She
asks her students to raise their hands if they to , are Gers supporters . Everone in the class raises there hands except one
little girl.
The teacher looks at the little girl and says ,
Mary why didn't you raise your hand?
Because I'm
not a Gers fan she replies.
The teacher asks , Well if you are not a Gers fan who do you support.
I'm a St Mirren
fan and proud of it says Mary.
Why are you a St Mirren fan says the teacher.
Because my mum and Dad are from Paisley
and my Dad is a St Mirren fan and I'm one too.
Well said the teacher in an annoyed tone ,that's no reason for you to be
a St Mirren fan.
You don't have to be like your parents all the time.
What if your mum was a lady of ill repute and
your dad was a drug addict and a car thief , what would you be then .
Mary smiles,!Then I'd be a Rangers Fan!!!!!.
Do not read the following jokes if you are under 18 or easily offended.
A bloke goes to the doctor and say's I,ve
got a sex problem.
Tell me about your average day says the doc.
Well it starts in the middle of the night when my
wife wakes me up at 3am for nookie, and then again about 5am so we can make love for a couple of hours before I go to work.Then
when I get on the train to work I meet this girl , everyday we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way.
When
I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom. When I go to lunch I meeet this
dinner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie and when I get back to the office in the afternoon , My
Boss , a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she say's she will give me the sack.When I get home my wife is
so glad to see me that she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards.
Just what is your problem
says the doc.
Well it hurts when I Masterbate!!!!!!.
This bloke with Tourettes syndrome walks into Bishopbriggs Golf Club.
Where's the p*ssing motherfu**ing entertainment
convenor., you coc*su**ing ars*wipe?, he inquires of the one of the waiteresses.
The waiteress is taken aback and replies.
Excuse me sir could you please refrain from using that sort of launguage or I will have to refer you to a committee member.I
will get the convenor as soon as I can.
The entertainments convenor comes over.
Are you the chicken Fu**ing entertainments
convenor of this Ba*tard place
Yes I am sir he replies but I would refrain from using such profanities in this Exclusive
Golf Club.
Fu** Off and show me where your piano is you Ar*e Hole .
Ah you have come for the piano players job he
says and shows him the piano.
Can you play any blues ?
Of course I can play fuc*ing blues and the bloke plays the
most inspiring and beautiful sounding blues that the convenor has ever heard.
What do you call that he asks.
I tried
to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my dick. Replies the bloke.
The convenor is a bit disturbed
and asks him if he knows any jazz.
Any fuc*ing jazz says the bloke and plays the most melancholy jazz solo the convenor
has heard.
Magnificent cries the convenor . What's it called .
I wanted to W*nk over the washine machine but I got
my balls caught in the soap drawer.
The convenor is a bit embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads.
The
bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard.
And what is that called he says.
As I fu*k
you under the stars with moonlight shining off your hairy ring piece. Replies the bloke.
The convenor is highly upset
by the blokes language but offers him the job as long as he does not introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.
This arrangemnet works for acouple of months until one night sitting opposite him , is the most gorgeous blonde he has
ever laid eyes on.
She is wearing an almost see through dress and her breasts are almost falling out the top of her black
lace bra, and the skimpy little G string she is wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She is sitting there
sucking suggesivly on an asparagus shoot as the butter is dripping down her chin. The image is too much for the bloke and
he scurries off to the gents to to furiously masterbate.He is tugging away furiously when he hears the convenors voice .
Where
is the Bas*ard piano player.
He just has time to relieve himself and in a fluster he runs back to the piano , having not
bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and start playing some more tunes.
The blond steps up and walks over to
the piano , leans over and whispers in his ear.
Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping
spunk all over the place.
Know it replies the bloke KNOW IT I FU*KING WROTE IT!!!!!!
Our footbal correspondant Bob The Bishop send this gem .
During the Celtic v Valencia Champions League game when
the penalty shoot out stage was reached , the Celtic fans were trying to find out from one and other what the Spanish for
miss was , so they could chant it as the Valencia players came up to take their penaltys. No one could find out until One
East end boy who has been to Spain for his holidays suddenly remembered.
As the first Valencia player came up to take
the kick the croud erupted with chants of Seniorita, Seniorita, Seniorita.
Cool under presure from Craig a man known for being cool under pressure.
A Scandinavian Airlines gate attendant
in Stockholm is re booking a cancelled flight after a 767 had been withdrawn from service . From the back of a long line of
digruntled passangers an angry passanger pushes his way to the front and slaps his ticket on the desk. This conversation then
follows.
Passanger:- I HAVE TO BE THIS FLIGHT AND IT HAS TO BE FIRST CLASS>
Attendant:- I'm sorry sir , I'll
be happy to help you but I've got to help these people first ,and then i'm sure we'll be able to work something out.
P:-
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM??????????
The flight attendent the picks up her public address micro phone and the whole
airport hears:-
WE HAVE A PASSANGER AT GATE 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS . IF ANYONE CAN HELP HIM FIND HIS IDENTITY
PLEASE COME TO GATE 14.
As the people behind him in the line disolve into hysterical laughter the man glares at the attendant
and shouts :- WELL F*** YOU.
The attendant replies :- I'M SORRY SIR BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO WAIT IN LINE FOR THAT,TOO.
The price of fame or not fron Craig a man who has had his share of golfing fame.
On a golfing holiday in Ireland
tiger woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish Country side . The attendant greets him in
a typical irish fasion unaware of who the golfing pro is.
Attendant:-TOP O THE MORNING TO YER SIR.
Tiger nods a
quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.As he does two tees fall out his pocket onto the ground.
WHAT ARE
DEY DEN SON SAYS THE ATTENDANT
THEY'RE CALLED TEES, replies Tiger.
WELL, WHAT ON DE GOOD EARTH ARE DEY FOR inquired
the Irishman.
THEY'RE FOR RESTING MY BALLS ON WHEN I'M DRIVING,say Tiger.
FECKING JAYSUS, says the Irishman, DEM
BOYS AT BMW THINK OF EVERYTHING!!!!!!
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